1 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,279 Do you fancy a yogurt bar? 2 00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,160 No, it makes my throat go claggy. Thanks. 3 00:00:11,199 --> 00:00:13,039 I'm actually really nervous about tonight. 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,400 -Why? -Well, you know, 5 00:00:14,439 --> 00:00:16,519 last time I was on 5 live I thought Simon Mayo 6 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:18,440 was going to be a walkover and it was a bloody nightmare. 7 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,239 Well, you just got unlucky there. 8 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,039 I mean, I suppose there has to be one person 9 00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:23,719 that Simon Mayo doesn't get on with. 10 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,160 Well, at least I've met Richard Bacon before, so... 11 00:00:26,199 --> 00:00:28,039 -At that Red Cross thing. -That's right. 12 00:00:28,079 --> 00:00:29,559 -He's nice, actually. -TERRI: Hmm. 13 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,079 NICOLA: Made me think I must listen to his show. 14 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,799 -Did you? -No. 15 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,280 -You heard it? -Well, only since we knew you were... 16 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,679 (SIGHS) Can't wait to go back to Radio 4. 17 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:40,320 Although, of course I'm much younger than their core demographic. 18 00:00:40,359 --> 00:00:42,960 I've just started listening to Jamie Theakston in the mornings. 19 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,719 -Uh-huh? -Very, very sweet. 20 00:00:44,759 --> 00:00:46,520 Apart from the prostitute thing. 21 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,200 NICOLA: Where is Olly? GLENN: Well, I gave him the night off. 22 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,119 Relationship crisis. 23 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:52,000 He's got to go and cook Emma a meal. 24 00:00:52,039 --> 00:00:53,399 Olly! Does he cook? 25 00:00:53,439 --> 00:00:56,240 I thought he lived off sandwiches and Tic Tacs. 26 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,439 -Ah! -Oh, look, they're here already. 27 00:00:59,479 --> 00:01:02,280 Why does the useless one, she keeps staring at me? 28 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,239 Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. 29 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,519 You ever crash your car in the mountains, 30 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,439 she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. 31 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:08,680 You've seen Misery? 32 00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:10,560 I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? 33 00:01:10,599 --> 00:01:11,840 -Ah! -BACON: Hello, everyone! 34 00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:13,920 -Hello. -Hello. 35 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:15,560 I'm Richard, the presenter, good to see you, this is Janice, the producer. 36 00:01:15,599 --> 00:01:18,000 -Nice to meet you! -Hello, lovely to see you again. 37 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,079 -GLENN: How do you do? -Again? 38 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,560 Yes, British Red Cross do. 39 00:01:20,599 --> 00:01:22,280 Right. Yeah, I remember, yeah. Good to see you. 40 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:23,519 -Peter! -Richard! 41 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,840 How are you? 42 00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:26,560 That was great at the Oval. 43 00:01:26,599 --> 00:01:27,799 -It was such a good day, wasn't it? -It was fantastic. 44 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,200 I got a little bit pissed. 45 00:01:29,239 --> 00:01:30,560 -Let's have a drink sometime. -Yeah, sure. 46 00:01:30,599 --> 00:01:31,799 All right, thanks for coming in tonight. 47 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,560 Listen, you probably know this, 48 00:01:33,599 --> 00:01:35,519 we've got a breaking story about fat cat city bonuses, 49 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,239 then piercings is after you, but I might read out some texts about it 50 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:39,959 -during the interview. -Get some texts coming in. 51 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,760 -Okay. Okay? -And also you know it all goes out live, 52 00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:43,599 so absolutely no swearing. 53 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,319 No swearing. Oh, we can all thank our fucky stars for that! 54 00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:50,680 We're going to start the show. 55 00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,000 All right. Great. 56 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,560 -Okay. -Yeah, yeah, you're all in there. 57 00:01:53,599 --> 00:01:55,040 -It's the green room. -What? All in here? 58 00:01:55,079 --> 00:01:58,000 -We're all in here? -Yeah. Tea and coffee and stuff. 59 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,319 -Nicola? -Thank you. 60 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,560 GLENN: Terri? TERRI: Oh, thanks, yes. 61 00:02:04,599 --> 00:02:06,439 (SOFTLY) The stupid one keeps staring at me. 62 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,039 Could you block the view or something? 63 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,879 PHIL: Okay. PETER: Okay. 64 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:14,400 -Sorry. -Why isn't Emma here to help? 65 00:02:14,439 --> 00:02:16,000 She's dumping Olly tonight. 66 00:02:16,039 --> 00:02:18,240 Result. Probably crying his eyes out right now, 67 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,479 like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. 68 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,000 I mean, I thought you said you were cooking dinner. 69 00:02:22,039 --> 00:02:23,599 I'm absolutely starving. 70 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,240 Oh, yeah, I didn't realise you had to cook lamb shanks 71 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,199 for a fucking fortnight. 72 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,400 You shouldn't be using Phil's courgettes, you know. He counts them. 73 00:02:29,439 --> 00:02:31,039 -Phil counts his courgettes? -Every night. 74 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,199 As long as he doesn't do anything else with them every night. 75 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,199 Right, look, let's... Let's make the mood 76 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,240 little bit nicer, little bit sexier. 77 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,800 -Let's just... -Oh! Sorry, Olly, I need that light. 78 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,400 -Can you... -Sorry. 79 00:02:41,439 --> 00:02:46,439 Sorry, just, only being romantic, as I was ordered to 80 00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:49,400 by the romance Nazi. 81 00:02:49,439 --> 00:02:51,319 I'm going to talk to him. This is stupid. 82 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,759 Who? Peter? Okay, I'll come with you. 83 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,400 He's only two feet away. 84 00:02:55,439 --> 00:02:58,759 -No, let me, honestly. -GLENN: I'll be right behind you. 85 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,199 So, hello then, Peter. 86 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,240 -Hello, Nicola. -GLENN: Can I help you? 87 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,199 -I don't know. -(STUTTERS) Sit, down, Phil. 88 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,360 Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. 89 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,159 (CHUCKLING) Oh, yes, of course, that's very funny, 90 00:03:12,199 --> 00:03:15,280 because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday, 91 00:03:15,319 --> 00:03:16,840 I had to cancel my second holiday. 92 00:03:16,879 --> 00:03:19,400 I see what you did there. You should be in stand-up. 93 00:03:19,439 --> 00:03:22,000 Glenn Elton. Yes, indeed, ladies and gentleman. 94 00:03:22,039 --> 00:03:23,479 Sorry about the puffin. 95 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,120 No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, 96 00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:27,879 I'm going to enjoy myself here 97 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:30,919 listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. 98 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,319 The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating 99 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,840 like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. 100 00:03:38,879 --> 00:03:40,240 Happy birthday, Malcolm. 101 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,400 Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. 102 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,159 What is this? Don't... Is this my new anal beads? 103 00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:46,800 Okay, this has been x-rayed, yeah? 104 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,439 I'm not gonna get fucking a present bomb in the face? 105 00:03:54,439 --> 00:03:57,080 This could be from anybody. 106 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,240 (SIGHS) It's from the Prime Minister. 107 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,599 This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? 108 00:04:01,639 --> 00:04:03,599 And he wonders why we don't let him out in public. 109 00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:06,319 Excellent! £15 from the Golden Temple 110 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,599 and expertly home-chopped vegetables. 111 00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:11,400 -It's a beautiful night in. -What are you... 112 00:04:11,439 --> 00:04:13,400 Ugh! Olly, that is absolutely disgusting. 113 00:04:13,439 --> 00:04:15,800 That's not disgusting, it's fresh vegetables. 114 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,040 I'm not putting a raw sausage in there, am I? 115 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,560 This is fun, isn't it? Hey? 116 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,160 This might be the most enjoyable meal we've had 117 00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:26,040 since I told your dad off for using the N-word. 118 00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:27,680 Yeah, well, it's not my fault 119 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,439 that Stewart asked me to rewrite the CBI speech. 120 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,120 (RADIO PLAYING INTRO) 121 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:36,360 Gotta listen to this Richard Bacon thing. 122 00:04:36,399 --> 00:04:39,399 -Talk radio, sexy! -Shh! 123 00:04:39,439 --> 00:04:42,959 Don't worry. I've done some of my best shagging to Caesar the Geezer. 124 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,680 Can you just stop talking shit for a second, 125 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,040 so we can listen to your boss talking shit instead? 126 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:48,879 ANNOUNCER: ...with Richard Bacon. 127 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,040 (BACON CHATTERING ON RADIO) 128 00:04:50,079 --> 00:04:53,319 You know, when your mum walked out, 129 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,800 did you ever think maybe that wasn't just about your dad? 130 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,199 Fourth sector, people power. 131 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,319 Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. 132 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,279 And you need to put in the linking words as well, not just the headlines. 133 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:07,079 I am going to talk in complete sentences. 134 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,800 I think you should rehearse with those headlines. 135 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:10,800 (SIGHS) Okay, how about I believe in people power, 136 00:05:10,839 --> 00:05:13,160 will you fuck off, Terri? Is that okay? 137 00:05:13,199 --> 00:05:17,879 We call it the common sense checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. 138 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,759 We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard? 139 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,000 That's just the sound of wickets falling. 140 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,160 (MOBILE RINGING) 141 00:05:23,199 --> 00:05:25,079 -PHIL: Stewart... -Stewart? Oh... 142 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,680 Oh, good. I wonder what Mr Political Correctness Gone Boring wants? 143 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,600 Hi, Stewart. 144 00:05:30,639 --> 00:05:33,720 Look, a little note for Peter, tell him to dump the common sense checklist. 145 00:05:33,759 --> 00:05:35,160 Yeah, it's an ex-list. 146 00:05:35,199 --> 00:05:37,319 The new world order is this. 147 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,480 Hit the City hard, yeah? It's reverse Gekko. 148 00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:44,199 Greed is bad, money is awful. I heart Tracy Chapman, yeah? 149 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,600 He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist 150 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:51,120 and hit the City hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. 151 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,639 -Would you like to come through? -What? 152 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,279 -Yeah. -Phil. 153 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,399 Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. 154 00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:00,319 And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them 155 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,519 tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not going to say, 156 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,720 "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup," 157 00:06:04,759 --> 00:06:06,920 so, no, the answer's no. 158 00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:09,199 Stewart, um... Peter's not going to want to do that. 159 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,839 No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. 160 00:06:10,879 --> 00:06:12,360 I just want him to do it. 161 00:06:12,399 --> 00:06:14,279 Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. 162 00:06:14,319 --> 00:06:16,399 Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. 163 00:06:16,439 --> 00:06:19,600 He was struck on the foot after Bret Lee ripped through their batting lineup 164 00:06:19,639 --> 00:06:21,920 at Lord's, Dimitri Mascarenhas is the man... 165 00:06:21,959 --> 00:06:23,920 Rice is difficult to get right, isn't it? 166 00:06:23,959 --> 00:06:27,240 Rice is difficult to get right. Why is that? 167 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:30,800 BACON ON RADIO: Are piercings attractive to the gay youth... 168 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:32,759 God, this is hard work. 169 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,279 Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown 170 00:06:36,319 --> 00:06:38,519 between two political heavyweights. 171 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,360 After trading blows in the dailies, 172 00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,800 it's now time for them to meet face to face. 173 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:46,240 So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... 174 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:47,959 -Hello. -...Secretary of State 175 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,959 for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 176 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,959 Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. 177 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,680 Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable 178 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,160 Peter Mannion MP. 179 00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:01,800 Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. 180 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,319 -The Mannionator! -Good to see you again as well. 181 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,600 Uh, listen, guys, first of all... 182 00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:06,000 How old are you? 183 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,800 Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? 184 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:10,279 (NICOLA CHUCKLES) 185 00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:12,000 Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? 186 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,279 (ALL CHUCKLE) 187 00:07:13,319 --> 00:07:14,680 -Classic! -Well, you know how it is. 188 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,000 out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, 189 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,920 rolled into casualty, yeah. 190 00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,040 Hey, we all got it done. 191 00:07:19,079 --> 00:07:21,000 Yeah! In your face, bitch! 192 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,759 That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? 193 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,399 Um... Uh, no... 194 00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:29,160 -Yes, you do. -No piercings at all, no. 195 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,839 TERRI: You have got some piercings. 196 00:07:30,879 --> 00:07:35,000 -BACON: Okay, all right. -Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. 197 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:39,600 Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be, 198 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:44,160 probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. 199 00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:45,759 BACON: Right. 200 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,199 But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about 201 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,040 taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues 202 00:07:53,079 --> 00:07:57,279 like body piercing or female circumcision... 203 00:07:57,319 --> 00:07:59,439 Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. 204 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,839 (LAUGHS) 205 00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:02,600 BACON: Let's leave that there. 206 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:06,079 Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield! 207 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,680 I'm really worried about Nicola. 208 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,480 She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. 209 00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:12,600 What I'm asking you to do is, have a word with, um... 210 00:08:12,639 --> 00:08:15,000 Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack, 211 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,839 because she needs all the sympathy she can get. 212 00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:18,879 The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 213 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,199 "Can you avoid that topic?" that's when they really go for it. 214 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,040 I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 215 00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:24,720 "I'll wet myself if you tickle me." 216 00:08:24,759 --> 00:08:27,759 "Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. 217 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,399 "If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh 218 00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:33,440 "all over yourself, would you?" 219 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,840 Now, more on the breaking news that bank bonuses have tripled 220 00:08:37,879 --> 00:08:39,639 in the past year. Peter Mannion? 221 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:42,759 Well, some people are paid a great deal of money 222 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:46,159 for doing things that are very special, 223 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,679 like top footballers or top entertainers, 224 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,559 and so will top bankers. 225 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,120 BACON: They are. Let's find out what the callers make of it. 226 00:08:52,159 --> 00:08:53,720 Jim in Taunton... 227 00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:56,440 And we'll never know what Jim from Taunton's thoughts are. 228 00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,200 What are your thoughts tonight, Emma from this flat? 229 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,840 Oh, actually, we do need to talk. 230 00:09:02,879 --> 00:09:06,639 That sounds ominous, like "did you until recently have a cat" kind of... 231 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:07,799 (MOBILE RINGING) 232 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,200 Hang on, I've just got to take this. 233 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,720 Oh, fuck this. Right, okay. You do that. 234 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,759 I will go for a shit with the lovely Polly Toynbee. 235 00:09:14,799 --> 00:09:16,679 EMMA: Stewart, Hi. 236 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,679 Emma, poppet, look, uh, Peter is going almost violently off-message 237 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,399 over at 5 live, so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to scramble you. 238 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,080 I've sent a cab round, just call me when you're en route. 239 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,600 (MOUTHING) Tell him to fuck off. 240 00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:27,279 And if you get any problems, solve those problems. 241 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,919 Okay, Stewart, I'm on my way. 242 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,000 -What? What? -I've got to go to the office... 243 00:09:31,039 --> 00:09:33,200 -I thought we had to talk... -CBI speech. I'll talk to you later. 244 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,320 -All right, okay. -I'll go, I've got to go. 245 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:39,600 What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other 246 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:41,720 out of poverty, out of disadvantage. 247 00:09:41,759 --> 00:09:46,000 How can you be inspired out of poverty? 248 00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:48,600 Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... 249 00:09:48,639 --> 00:09:51,120 I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. 250 00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:53,360 It's a perfectly legitimate question. 251 00:09:53,399 --> 00:09:57,399 How can you be inspired out of poverty? 252 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,399 Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. 253 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,600 Um, one of our initiatives is to designate... 254 00:10:02,639 --> 00:10:04,960 -Nicola fourth. -...certain people as fourth sector 255 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:09,799 pathfinders, now they would be pillars of a normal community. 256 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,600 BACON: Are you talking about have-a-go heroes, for example? 257 00:10:12,639 --> 00:10:15,039 NICOLA: No, we're talking about everyday heroes. 258 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:19,000 I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? 259 00:10:19,039 --> 00:10:22,039 (CHUCKLES) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. 260 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:26,120 More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. 261 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,759 Okay. 262 00:10:27,799 --> 00:10:29,480 PETER: Or Chaplin, yeah? 263 00:10:29,519 --> 00:10:31,799 BACON: Peter Mannion, the animosity between you two... 264 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,240 (MOBILE RINGING) 265 00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:34,919 -Oh, for Christ's... All right! -Out! 266 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,600 Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. 267 00:10:37,639 --> 00:10:39,320 (GLENN SIGHS) 268 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,960 -Malcolm? -Are you producing porno now 269 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,240 for the visually impaired? 270 00:10:43,279 --> 00:10:44,600 (STUTTERS) What? 271 00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:46,279 MALCOLM: Because what I'm hearing here, 272 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,639 on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. 273 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:52,639 What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fuck, put Olly on. 274 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:55,440 Olly? Well, he's not here. He's at home. 275 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,519 Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, 276 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,279 and get down to 5 live right now. 277 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,360 Tell him to inject some air into Nicola's performance. 278 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,320 She's coming across like 279 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,480 a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival. 280 00:11:10,519 --> 00:11:14,559 It seems to me what I call, a political meringue, uh... 281 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:18,000 Sweet but lightweight and very little substance. 282 00:11:18,039 --> 00:11:19,039 (PHIL CLAPPING) 283 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,360 PETER: What, what... 284 00:11:20,399 --> 00:11:22,200 He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he? 285 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,759 Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? 286 00:11:24,799 --> 00:11:27,200 Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? 287 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,279 You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! 288 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,000 I know exactly what you mean. 289 00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:35,360 The other day the BBC sent me on a Health and Safety awayday, 290 00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:39,000 where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. 291 00:11:39,039 --> 00:11:44,720 (LAUGHING) This is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. 292 00:11:44,759 --> 00:11:46,360 That's nonsense 293 00:11:46,399 --> 00:11:50,320 and we need to say no to the nanny state, 294 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:51,720 boo to nanny 295 00:11:51,759 --> 00:11:54,200 and claw back some personal responsibility 296 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,759 in the name of common sense. 297 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,840 We need to... Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? 298 00:11:58,879 --> 00:12:05,919 Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. 299 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,399 (STUTTERS) I didn't write it, it's not, 300 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,600 -But, you know... -BACON: Right. 301 00:12:10,639 --> 00:12:11,879 Hey nanny no. 302 00:12:11,919 --> 00:12:13,080 -Right. -PETER: That's... 303 00:12:14,159 --> 00:12:17,279 -Oh, hello. Nice dinner? -Fuck off, Bagpuss. 304 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,720 God, Kermode, your hands are massive. 305 00:12:19,759 --> 00:12:21,639 -(MOBILE RINGING) -It's already won a few major awards 306 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:23,200 and it's tipped for an Oscar nomination. 307 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,200 -Glenn? -Sorry, mate. 308 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:29,360 I'm calling you in from your lovenest by the orders of Pol Pottymouth. 309 00:12:29,399 --> 00:12:32,080 No, no, I'm fine, I'm coming. I am coming. 310 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,080 I was just on the verge of saying that to somebody else, 311 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,799 only in a slightly higher voice. 312 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,799 Can I just pause there to read out some texts on piercings? 313 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,600 "Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth, 314 00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:46,279 "she looks like she works in a ball bearings factory 315 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,720 "and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel 316 00:12:48,759 --> 00:12:52,039 "got embedded in her face. I don't like it." 317 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,240 Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? 318 00:12:55,279 --> 00:12:56,919 Kind of. He's getting the message. 319 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,919 Look, I couldn't say while you were together, 320 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,600 but I really don't know what you saw in him. 321 00:13:00,639 --> 00:13:02,799 You told me all the time how much you hated him. 322 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,039 That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. 323 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,799 Are you splitting up with Olly? 324 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:08,519 Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? 325 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,399 I can pop into the studio and get some microphones, 326 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,519 -so you can get all the details... -TERRI: No, I can hear fine. 327 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,120 I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. 328 00:13:15,159 --> 00:13:16,480 I'd back you up on that. 329 00:13:16,519 --> 00:13:18,399 What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. 330 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,600 -Thanks... -Hey, Emma, look, 331 00:13:19,639 --> 00:13:20,759 you're clearly overemotional right now. 332 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,799 Why don't you go home, 333 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,480 you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? 334 00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:26,200 -I've got it covered here. -Yeah. Well, actually, 335 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,480 Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter 336 00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,360 out of the dead end you've driven him into. 337 00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:32,919 So, perhaps you should piss off 338 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,039 and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me. 339 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,799 Hey, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? 340 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:41,879 "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? 341 00:13:41,919 --> 00:13:45,639 We need to be appealing to One Showman and Holby Citywoman. 342 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:47,159 -What's he saying? -Just shut up, Emma. 343 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,639 -The men are talking. -Is Emma there? 344 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:50,799 -Yes, she is here. -Thank God! Put her on, Phil. 345 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,840 EMMA: Stewart, hi. STEWART: This is the brief. Got a pen? 346 00:13:52,879 --> 00:13:55,120 -Yeah, hang on, have you got a pen? -Yeah, you're not having it. 347 00:13:55,159 --> 00:13:57,200 -Do you need a pen? -Uh, I do, thanks. 348 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,000 Sorry, Stewart, hang on. 349 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,600 Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? 350 00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:06,360 Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down. 351 00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:08,399 -I'm serious. -Are you listening to Daddy? 352 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,639 -Okay. -I want you to pull some info, right? 353 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,919 On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms... 354 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:18,720 Let's name and shame some fat cats. I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! 355 00:14:18,759 --> 00:14:20,200 -Terri? -Hmm? 356 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,399 -EMMA: Okay, I'll call you back. -Terri, a word. 357 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,879 Sorry, could I have my pen? 358 00:14:22,919 --> 00:14:24,279 EMMA: Oh, sorry, yeah, I wasn't going to keep it. 359 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,840 -My phone? -It's a Parker, so... 360 00:14:25,879 --> 00:14:29,080 Those two are absolutely awful. She is a complete bitch. 361 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,120 -What? -I think he might be simple. 362 00:14:31,159 --> 00:14:33,039 Well, you should thank your lucky stars. 363 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,679 This is your chance to get away from Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips. 364 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,919 I've done a list here for all the fat cats and bonuses. 365 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,919 I wonder if you'd like to run this in to Nicola? 366 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,039 -Yeah, sure. -Okay, Good. 367 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,320 -Many thanks, Glenn. -What? 368 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,240 For getting me in on my special night off. 369 00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:48,000 Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, 370 00:14:48,039 --> 00:14:49,799 she was screaming 371 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,879 and then I said I was coming in here, do you see what I did? 372 00:14:51,919 --> 00:14:53,159 -I see. -It's a funny joke 373 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,039 about my sexual prowess. 374 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,480 What the fuck are you doing here? 375 00:14:56,519 --> 00:14:58,679 Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. 376 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,399 I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. 377 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,080 You. You told me... I cooked a lovely meal... 378 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,799 Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. 379 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,399 What the fuck's going on? 380 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,200 Sorry, I've got to take this, I'll talk to you later. 381 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,360 -So, she did come. -EMMA: Hi. 382 00:15:14,399 --> 00:15:17,080 She came into work. Do you see what I did there? 383 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,679 Fuck off, Glenn. 384 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,559 NICOLA: ...when you yourself were actually in cabinet. 385 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,440 BACON: Hmm. NICOLA: We have tried repeatedly... 386 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,080 -(MOUTHING) Fuck off. -...to initiate legislation... 387 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,399 (MOUTHING) Go. 388 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,200 ...which will outlaw these bonuses. 389 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,200 Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts... 390 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:31,679 BACON: I think it's an interesting point. 391 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,879 What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation 392 00:15:33,919 --> 00:15:38,039 that these huge bonuses and the offence that they cause 393 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,519 are the fault of your party? 394 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:42,360 I think that's a completely fatuous argument, 395 00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:44,759 when Nicola's party has been in government 396 00:15:44,799 --> 00:15:46,399 for what seems like about a century 397 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,759 and bonuses under their watch have increased... 398 00:15:49,799 --> 00:15:51,840 What? Five fold? Oh, dear! 399 00:15:51,879 --> 00:15:54,159 Come on, Nicola, pull your finger out. 400 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,799 Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? 401 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,480 Is that what you're saying? 402 00:15:59,519 --> 00:16:03,399 (STAMMERS) Well, yes. I... I would. 403 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,080 If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... 404 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,360 Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. 405 00:16:09,399 --> 00:16:11,799 Would you outlaw bonuses? 406 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,360 (STUTTERS) In the case of them being undeserved, yes... 407 00:16:15,399 --> 00:16:17,360 Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying 408 00:16:17,399 --> 00:16:19,559 the bulk of your friends in the City are disgusting. 409 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:24,879 No. No. No. Yes. Yes, but only if the bonuses they receive 410 00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:26,600 -are unfair... -I think, well, I think we've got... 411 00:16:26,639 --> 00:16:28,320 It's all right, I think we've got your point. 412 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,879 Uh, thank you. Let's move on. 413 00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:32,279 Let's go to Derek, he's been waiting ages, 414 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,200 he's on the line. Derek. 415 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,720 Right. If you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. 416 00:16:37,759 --> 00:16:40,159 Hey, guy, I don't want to fight, I want to clear the air, actually. 417 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,440 We're like those two little, them old people in the weather cock. 418 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,639 You come out, I'm in there and then we're swapping round. 419 00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:48,679 -You're Mr Sunshine, are you? -I'm Mr Sunshine. 420 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,200 You're a little wooden twat in a little wooden house! 421 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,960 There's no need, we can be friends. 422 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,200 I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise 423 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,720 it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir. 424 00:16:58,759 --> 00:17:01,000 Me, Aragorn, the true king, you, Boromir, 425 00:17:01,039 --> 00:17:03,279 your horn is broken and will be blown no more. 426 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,920 This inability to talk without using Lord of the Ringsmetaphors 427 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,200 is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends. 428 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,599 Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. 429 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,000 That's okay though, I presume you're expecting that. 430 00:17:14,039 --> 00:17:15,400 Okay, I'll bite. 431 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,640 (SIGHS) Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? 432 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,880 Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, 433 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,000 toilet paper... Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. 434 00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:27,839 You're moving out? 435 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,119 Oh, that's a shame! I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing 436 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,119 I did with your roll-on deodorant. 437 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,200 I'm not moving out, I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, 438 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,680 you won't be coming round much any more. 439 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:39,799 What? 440 00:17:39,839 --> 00:17:41,880 Oh, let me just savour this moment. 441 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,599 (CHUCKLES) Thank you, God. 442 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,400 -She hasn't told you, has she? -No, what? 443 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,400 -She's dumped you. She did it tonight. -No, no. 444 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,799 -Hang on. -She didn't do it tonight. 445 00:17:48,839 --> 00:17:50,559 Let me get a little photo of this moment. 446 00:17:50,599 --> 00:17:52,039 -No, put the fucking... -Hey, new desktop picture here. 447 00:17:52,079 --> 00:17:53,640 -Put the fucking phone down. -Olly being dumped. 448 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,640 -Put the fucking... -She fucking told me... 449 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,519 -What she told me... -Why would she tell you first, dickwad? 450 00:17:57,559 --> 00:17:59,000 I've no idea. She told me to get out of the flat tonight, 451 00:17:59,039 --> 00:18:00,319 so she could dump you. 452 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:01,480 Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister... 453 00:18:01,519 --> 00:18:02,680 * You're history * 454 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,599 (GROANS) Fuck. 455 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,359 It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win! 456 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,119 James Henderson, what's your point? 457 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,359 Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? 458 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,599 You two know each other? 459 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,160 We've met, we know each other... 460 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,839 HENDERSON: We've met. Yes, we have met. 461 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,799 I'm surprised to hear you turning on the City boys. 462 00:18:18,839 --> 00:18:20,559 You never found the JFU 463 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:23,559 donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting. 464 00:18:23,599 --> 00:18:25,599 (STAMMERS) Well, that's a separate issue... 465 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,759 Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. 466 00:18:28,799 --> 00:18:30,599 -BACON: Wow! -What? 467 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,960 Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. 468 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,079 Yes! 469 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:35,319 BACON: ...links to sweatshops? 470 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,799 That should be looked into but... 471 00:18:37,839 --> 00:18:40,799 Oh, it's my birthday! 472 00:18:40,839 --> 00:18:42,880 ...I don't know the facts. 473 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,039 HENDERSON: I've just told you the facts. Are you calling me a liar? 474 00:18:45,079 --> 00:18:46,960 I can't believe my ears. 475 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,960 Did we just break a story that wasn't "the Ipswich manager's got sacked"? 476 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,640 It's my birthday! 477 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,960 Cunt cake? Go ahead. 478 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,680 Right, Emma, look, look... I'm just coming in. 479 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,599 Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? 480 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:02,640 So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. 481 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,599 Hard boil four eggs! 482 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,400 (SIGHS) Oh, great! 483 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,400 You tell fucking Man at CandA that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? 484 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,240 -What's he talking about? -I thought he knew. 485 00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,079 -Oh, you fucking twit! -Sorry. I'm sorry... 486 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:13,880 Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. 487 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,519 I can fill you in. 488 00:19:15,559 --> 00:19:17,000 Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. 489 00:19:17,039 --> 00:19:19,079 If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut. 490 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:20,920 -What? -EMMA: What? 491 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,880 Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen. 492 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,039 -Bullshit! -GLENN: Oh! 493 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,160 (CHATTERING ON RADIO) 494 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,279 -Just, Emma... -Shh. Shh! 495 00:19:27,319 --> 00:19:28,480 You can't even fucking look at me. 496 00:19:28,519 --> 00:19:29,720 We're trying to listen here now. 497 00:19:29,759 --> 00:19:30,960 Shut the fuck up, Phil! 498 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,200 (ALL ARGUING) 499 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,200 Will you both go somewhere else! 500 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,319 Okay, do you want to shut up? If you lot don't keep this down, 501 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,079 I'm going to have you all ejected from the building. 502 00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:41,400 You are the worst. My chair still smells of your perfume. 503 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:46,160 Excuse me. For the record, I have done nothing. 504 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,279 Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. 505 00:19:48,319 --> 00:19:49,960 We need to go the news and sport here. 506 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,359 Just before that, a quick text. 507 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,599 "Dear Richard, I love piercings. 508 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,079 "They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth." 509 00:19:57,119 --> 00:19:58,440 (INTERVAL MUSIC PLAYING) 510 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,079 Where the fuck are Terry and June going? 511 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:01,880 Great. Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. 512 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,279 Cooking with gas! 513 00:20:03,319 --> 00:20:05,759 I'm fucking Delia Smith! 514 00:20:05,799 --> 00:20:08,400 I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, 515 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,359 I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! 516 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,559 That was not good. That was the opposite of good. 517 00:20:15,599 --> 00:20:16,759 Bad? 518 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:19,400 How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? 519 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,079 I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. 520 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,079 You couldn't hear? Christ! You're... 521 00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:25,599 (CHUCKLING) Sorry, it's just... 522 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,079 You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? 523 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:31,279 You're here to hear! You're not here for eye candy! 524 00:20:31,319 --> 00:20:33,319 Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. 525 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:34,880 Olly and Emma were splitting up at the time 526 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,559 -and I couldn't really focus... -Emma? Emma? 527 00:20:36,599 --> 00:20:37,960 -Why is Emma here? -Stewart sent her down there. 528 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,759 Why have you got wet trousers? 529 00:20:39,799 --> 00:20:41,599 Olly threw coffee at me. 530 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,519 I'm sorry, I seem to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. 531 00:20:44,559 --> 00:20:46,480 Is the vicar about to come round with Brian Rix... 532 00:20:46,519 --> 00:20:49,720 Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. 533 00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:52,000 Olly, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. 534 00:20:52,039 --> 00:20:54,519 We're busy people. We work really, really hard. 535 00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:57,119 We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... 536 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,079 Did you used to make time for each other? 537 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:00,799 I mean, I think that's the crucial question. 538 00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:02,200 Sorry... 539 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,079 Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! 540 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:06,680 Where am I meant to go? 541 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,480 Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. 542 00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:11,079 You're going to be a lot better off without him. 543 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:12,880 What do you mean I'm going to be... 544 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,119 -You're not going to be better off... -Sorry, have you... 545 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,720 Do you talk about me at work? 546 00:21:15,759 --> 00:21:16,960 Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had 547 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,920 about being on Loose Women. 548 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,680 ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. 549 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,319 PHIL: I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. 550 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:25,400 Right. I'll go back to Loose Women. 551 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,039 Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, 552 00:21:28,079 --> 00:21:30,400 purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits". 553 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,279 -Oh, right. -I just don't think he should 554 00:21:32,319 --> 00:21:33,799 -be talking about me at all... -No. I agree. I absolutely agree. 555 00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:35,519 ...let alone on things that are totally private. 556 00:21:35,559 --> 00:21:38,079 Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? 557 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:39,720 I know you've been talking about me, Terri, 558 00:21:39,759 --> 00:21:42,200 because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on, 559 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,079 where I can see and hear things, Terri. 560 00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:48,039 So, Olly, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? 561 00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:50,000 I've been saying you smell of fennel, 562 00:21:50,039 --> 00:21:51,519 -you're racist... -Olly. 563 00:21:51,559 --> 00:21:54,599 ...you torture horses and you're in the Bangles. 564 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,200 That's what I've been saying about you at work. 565 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,279 See, I think you've been sexually bragging. 566 00:21:58,319 --> 00:22:00,200 Well, don't flatter yourself. 567 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,480 Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. 568 00:22:02,519 --> 00:22:04,799 I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? 569 00:22:04,839 --> 00:22:07,200 And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, 570 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,720 but not seeing him in man-made fibres. 571 00:22:08,759 --> 00:22:11,720 He's just drying his... He's drying his trousers. 572 00:22:11,759 --> 00:22:14,000 PETER ON RADIO: ...a woman whose party created spin. 573 00:22:14,039 --> 00:22:15,119 I don't want to know. 574 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,480 NICOLA: That's not true. 575 00:22:16,519 --> 00:22:18,920 -Your party created spin... -No, no, no. 576 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,359 -And we had to... -No, no, no. 577 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,799 How perfect. Who should walk in... 578 00:22:21,839 --> 00:22:23,559 I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? 579 00:22:23,599 --> 00:22:26,200 See the fat man that you're berating like he's a pinata? 580 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,920 Well, I own him. 581 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,000 BACON: Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development. 582 00:22:29,039 --> 00:22:30,880 Oh! And as we speak, 583 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,960 who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, 584 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,400 the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels. 585 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,960 STEWART: Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... 586 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,960 Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, 587 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,920 why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely unannounced? 588 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:51,400 I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking 589 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,400 the allegations that we were... 590 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,880 -STEWART: Don't say it again! -...receiving donations from... 591 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,200 From a sweatshop labour company. 592 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,200 Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? 593 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,880 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 594 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,240 The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. 595 00:23:04,279 --> 00:23:06,359 (CHUCKLES) Well, it fucking worked. 596 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,200 Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden 597 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,240 but tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy 598 00:23:11,279 --> 00:23:12,559 that's fucking falling to bits. 599 00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,000 Yeah, it's really nice to see you 600 00:23:14,039 --> 00:23:16,119 without those veins in your temples throbbing. 601 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,759 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? 602 00:23:17,799 --> 00:23:19,000 Look at the hair. You've got to do something. 603 00:23:19,039 --> 00:23:20,480 He's like fucking Swiss Toni. 604 00:23:20,519 --> 00:23:22,279 Yeah, well, this is radio, Malcolm, 605 00:23:22,319 --> 00:23:24,200 but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. 606 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,079 Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? 607 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,079 I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, 608 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,319 but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. 609 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:31,960 I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. 610 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:33,480 Look, can you please get out? 611 00:23:33,519 --> 00:23:36,200 No. Actually, we... We are entitled to be in here. 612 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:37,799 That lot, they should all be in here, 613 00:23:37,839 --> 00:23:39,480 all of their political advisors should be in here. 614 00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:40,720 -I'm going to get them in here. -No. 615 00:23:40,759 --> 00:23:42,119 Night in and night out, 616 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,400 it strikes me that one or both of you are in trouble. 617 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,039 -Something has happened. -Well, I can assure you it's not me. 618 00:23:48,079 --> 00:23:50,279 -I want to add to the party atmosphere. -Gather around, everybody. 619 00:23:50,319 --> 00:23:52,400 -I'm perfectly entitled to do this. -There is a text here 620 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,759 from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says, 621 00:23:54,799 --> 00:23:59,480 "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. 622 00:23:59,519 --> 00:24:03,039 "In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." 623 00:24:03,079 --> 00:24:06,720 Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. 624 00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:08,720 We're in a studio, there's another room next door... 625 00:24:08,759 --> 00:24:11,960 We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... 626 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,480 What you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. 627 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:16,359 It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. 628 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,119 Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... 629 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,799 Right, can you shut up, right? 630 00:24:19,839 --> 00:24:22,279 -Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. -Absolutely. 631 00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:23,640 And this is fucking news. 632 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,720 Bullshit! Right, let's... See this here? 633 00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:27,680 You do it and I will press this fucking button. 634 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,400 JANICE: Don't fucking threaten me! MALCOLM: This switch... 635 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,400 -Richard, Tim in Ruislip. -You do that and I will... 636 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,880 BACON: We've just received this text from Tim in Ruislip... 637 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,680 Ooh. She's actually put it through. 638 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,920 And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. 639 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:44,039 "In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." 640 00:24:44,079 --> 00:24:47,279 That's your fucking career over, right? Okay, you're fucking dead. 641 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,000 And those three little words, "Tim in Ruislip", 642 00:24:50,039 --> 00:24:51,640 are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. 643 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,519 (IMITATES HAMMERING) Tim. In. Ruislip. 644 00:24:54,559 --> 00:24:56,799 Tim in fucking Ruislip. 645 00:24:56,839 --> 00:24:58,440 And as for Tim in fucking... 646 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,240 Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please? 647 00:25:00,279 --> 00:25:02,920 ...fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! 648 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,400 That fucking texting coward. 649 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,720 Give me his number. What's his fucking number? 650 00:25:05,759 --> 00:25:07,400 -Erase it. -Give me the fucking number 651 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,319 -of Tim in Ruislip. -Take it off the screen now. 652 00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:10,839 If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? 653 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,440 I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip 654 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,799 and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger 655 00:25:14,839 --> 00:25:17,160 off of every single person I see 656 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,880 who I think resembles the kind of wanker 657 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,880 that would be walking around in this day and fucking age 658 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,279 with a name like fucking Tim! 659 00:25:23,319 --> 00:25:25,039 How do you think that sounds, huh? 660 00:25:25,079 --> 00:25:27,279 Quite, quite mad. 661 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,400 (WHISPERS) You and I have to have a word. 662 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,960 BACON: ...witnessed that pantomime through there... 663 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,680 (WHISPERS) I think he wants me to step outside. 664 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,400 (CHATTERING ON RADIO) 665 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,119 Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. 666 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,920 I want you in there rattling your fucking jewellery... 667 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,279 And talking about your fucking Prince Albert, come on. 668 00:25:40,319 --> 00:25:41,400 He doesn't actually work here. 669 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,200 Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! 670 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,680 Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here... 671 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,200 Get off. 672 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,000 I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat 673 00:25:48,039 --> 00:25:49,440 and watch your fucking face implode. Get in there! 674 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:50,839 Here he is. Piercings. In you go. 675 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,799 Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. 676 00:25:52,839 --> 00:25:54,880 BACON: Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate. 677 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,359 Here's the fucking thing. 678 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,079 Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? 679 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:00,519 Because it makes everybody look bad. 680 00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,440 Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. 681 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,559 How do you think it would land with your female voters 682 00:26:04,599 --> 00:26:06,480 if they were to find out that Tom Rudd... 683 00:26:06,519 --> 00:26:08,279 -Oh! -...forced his secretary 684 00:26:08,319 --> 00:26:10,160 into having an abortion? 685 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,079 That was her own personal choice and by the way, it wasn't his. 686 00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:15,039 (WHISPERS) Over here. 687 00:26:15,079 --> 00:26:16,839 Wow! So him paying for that private clinic, then, 688 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,119 was just because he's such a nice man? 689 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,480 He is a nice man. 690 00:26:19,519 --> 00:26:21,599 What about your nice man at central planning, eh? 691 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,519 The one who got a bit carried away 692 00:26:23,559 --> 00:26:25,079 and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? 693 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:26,400 Fucking broke the skin! 694 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,359 But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? 695 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,200 But I suppose that's just part of your common sense checklist, yeah. 696 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,960 All they need is a good slap, 697 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,359 and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! 698 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:34,799 You go check your facts, Malcolm, 699 00:26:34,839 --> 00:26:36,599 that was a domestic accident and nothing more. 700 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,200 Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands 701 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,839 -the size of fucking doors! -Sorry. Look... 702 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,720 Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? 703 00:26:41,759 --> 00:26:43,240 Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, 704 00:26:43,279 --> 00:26:44,759 but really, coke dealing at university? 705 00:26:44,799 --> 00:26:46,400 -Oh! Please, please! -Hey, am I right in thinking 706 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,480 he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? 707 00:26:48,519 --> 00:26:50,000 Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? 708 00:26:50,039 --> 00:26:51,920 I have got a fucking photograph 709 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,839 that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, 710 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,039 which is a photograph of your fucking shadow chancellor 711 00:26:56,079 --> 00:26:57,880 at one of his fucking parties 712 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,920 dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders and fucking blackface! 713 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,720 What's his defence going to be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? 714 00:27:03,759 --> 00:27:05,680 (MOCKINGLY) "Oh, well, I am just de shadow chancellor." 715 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,839 Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture 716 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:10,519 -because that didn't happen. -I have! 717 00:27:10,559 --> 00:27:12,000 However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... 718 00:27:12,039 --> 00:27:13,599 Oh, that's very useful for you. 719 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,440 You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? 720 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,880 -Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. -And you'll get that for free. 721 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,119 Is that one of the fucking perks of the job? 722 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,759 No, listen, his statement says 723 00:27:19,799 --> 00:27:21,400 he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs 724 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,119 -paid him to shit on his chest. -Don't! 725 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,039 (RADIO INTERVIEW CONTINUES) 726 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:33,039 Right, look, this is out of order, okay? 727 00:27:33,079 --> 00:27:34,759 Here's the deal. 728 00:27:34,799 --> 00:27:37,400 We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, 729 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,799 they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? 730 00:27:39,839 --> 00:27:41,359 But we're looking into it. 731 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,480 You'd do that? 732 00:27:43,519 --> 00:27:46,160 Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? 733 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,880 What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! 734 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,200 Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSAC to fatten him up, 735 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,240 we're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. 736 00:27:55,279 --> 00:27:56,519 We should just go home. 737 00:27:56,559 --> 00:27:59,039 We can do that. We can just seal this in. 738 00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:01,400 Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. 739 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,079 I mean, you carry on like this 740 00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:05,079 and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. 741 00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:08,440 That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. 742 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,160 BACON: Have a look at Ben there. 743 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,640 Do you think that's art? 744 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:18,519 (STUTTERS) Well, it's not really for me to say 745 00:28:18,559 --> 00:28:21,720 and of course, there's quite a lot of tattoos there, 746 00:28:21,759 --> 00:28:23,240 as well as piercings. 747 00:28:23,279 --> 00:28:25,240 And also you can take your guitar and your Wii Fit. 748 00:28:25,279 --> 00:28:28,319 -I bought you the Wii Fit as a present. -Yeah, well, I don't want it. 749 00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:30,799 -Well, you could fucking use it. -What? What did you just say? 750 00:28:30,839 --> 00:28:33,319 MALCOLM: They crucified him and it was 'cause it was that programme, 751 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,279 but it's good that he's found his way back. 752 00:28:35,319 --> 00:28:37,720 I mean, if it had been Magpie, nobody would have cared, you know. 753 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:39,799 STEWART: But no one cared about Magpie,we never even watched it in our house. 754 00:28:39,839 --> 00:28:41,559 Oh, by the way, happy birthday, Malcolm. 755 00:28:41,599 --> 00:28:43,200 MALCOLM: Oh, don't you fucking start. 756 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,119 STEWART: Why? It's not a special one, is it? 757 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,759 Fiftieth. Nah. 758 00:28:45,799 --> 00:28:48,119 Uh, excuse me, is this the car for Nicola Murray? 759 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:49,920 Oh, well, she said that I could take it. 760 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,599 Well, good night, Malcolm, I'll see you on election night. 761 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,400 I'll pop round, pick up the keys... 762 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,720 What is this, are you working the railways or something? 763 00:28:55,759 --> 00:28:58,319 BACON ON RADIO: Andrew in Suffolk writes, "The body is a temple. 764 00:28:58,359 --> 00:29:01,720 "Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed." 765 00:29:01,759 --> 00:29:04,119 MALCOLM: You couldn't turn that to Magic FM, could you, mate? 766 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:06,240 Otherwise, I'm going to have to tear my eyelids off 767 00:29:06,279 --> 00:29:09,039 and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.